我從來都避免食呢D連鎖快餐廳。有次，我發神經諗：比次機會呢D低級餐廳啦，入面咁多人，D野食應該有返咁上下啦。我走到櫃台前點左個白汁海鮮意粉同一杯可樂，加埋都係 40 幾。當時，心諗真係好抵呀！你去 Grappas 食一個 pasta 都要成百幾啦、 Cheap 小小去 Te 都要70 幾啦！香港地仲月有40 幾蚊一碟意粉，呢間快餐店都真係有良心架喇。
買完飛，一邊驚嘆咁平都有時，就邊走入餐廳內。原來，這已經不是我所認知的快餐廳。那些用色統一、闊大的卡位、桃木地板、大落地玻璃讓食客盡覽皇后大道等都盡顯其高格調。那時，我真的相信這裡已經不是普通的快餐廳，這裡是講究 lifestyle 生活品味的 Cafe La Dolce! 我站在領食物的地方像一個孩童等候糖果般興奮。店員叫了一聲：「白汁海鮮意粉跟一杯大樂！」。不一會，食物盤上的食物就推到我眼前。我看著那盤像是我 hang over 後嘔出來的一堆東西，就問店員：「人食架？」店員不屑：「個個都係咁架啦！你話呢到個個都唔係人呀？」我回頭看看店內的食客，他們都目眼光如炬如同 bio hazard 的 zombies!
他一早預知自由人會三次不認他，他就吹起號角，召集信眾。一眾身光頸靚的西裝友從廢墟爬出來，風塵樸樸不掩Armani 西裝及Prada 高跟鞋的光榮，團團地把他圍著。他高舉聖杯，把紅酒奠在地上說：「我要紅酒。」他腳下就出現酒窖及品酒室，洗腳的水也變成紅酒；他說：「我要洗滌罪人的心靈！」他腳下就出現和式風呂；他說：「我要人們有強壯的身心。」他腳下就有了健身室；他說：「我要把光與影賜給世人。」他腳下就出現了多用途影院。他說：「我要人們世世代代歌頌我的榮耀。」他腳下就出現了髮廊式的 sex chair。
我與你根本就是兩個世界的人。你一個人講普通話用殘體字，你要我全家就你講普通話，還把我家裡的電腦、電視 menu、甚至手提電話都 set 為殘體字。講真，殘體字真的很核突，我看多眼也眼冤。有時，細佬口快說了廣東話，你就大罵我們全家是狗，是前女友的人，是雜種。其實，我在家只想舒舒服服，我口講我心而已，這卑微的要求過份嗎？
還有你用廁所的習慣，好人好者，有暖氣的廁所板你不坐，就是要踎上去為什麼？練輕功麼？你從內地來的親朋戚友來了，我也招呼。他們不知是人是狗就是要隨地痾。我家的 King Charles 也懂在報紙上去，你的朋友怎麼這點也不懂。他們還越來越多了，甚至住了下來。本來我一家四口在這四百呎的小屋還可以，誰知你的親朋戚友弄得我一家十八姓，害我被老廉請回去喝藍山咖啡！
I seldom talk about my love life as I am not a good boyfriend.
Today, I hereby announce to everyone that I have finished it with you. We are GAME OVER! I know that you hate that I mix with a lot of English words when I speak. However, that is me, I shall not change myself and become the person you want me to be.
At first, when we got together, I could say I was kind of forced to. At that time, my British ex-girl friend left me and you appeared and said, “She does not want you anymore, why do you still need to cry?” I did not cry. In these years, the more I am with you, the more I miss my British ex-girl friend. I still feel dejected when we said goodbye in the Queen’s Pier, she cried like a baby. I hate myself that I did not have the courage to tell her to stay.
Now, nothing can be mended. You know it so well that because of you, I shall never be back together with my British ex-girl friend. You once said arrogantly to me, “Without me talking care of you, you are dead!” I really did believe in this for the past 15 years. In the past 15 years, you tried your best to put me down and said nasty things to make me feel I was useless. And, you further said you could easily find a better Shanghai or Beijing guy to replace me. I don’t want argument as I am a peaceful sensible and non-violent kind of guy. I have put up with you.
You are a salesperson of that Diamond Full Power Water thing and my whole family bought the water from you to show support. Once, my mother wanted to buy a watertap distiller and you went absurd! You scold my whole family for not being grateful and even threatened to cut off our water supply! I am not stupid. The Malaysian girlfriend of my Singaporean neighbour told me that you sold the water to my family 200 times more expensive. We did not confront you, we swallowed it whole. I don’t even want to mention that I had to pay you back for all the “gifts” you bought for my family. After all, it is just a fair business deal.
You and I are really from two different worlds. You speak Mandarin and write simplified Chinese. You forced my whole family to speak Mandarin. You changed the language settings of my TV, DVD and even mobile phone. Honestly, simplified Chinese look so ugly that I don’t even want to lay an eye on it. Sometimes, my younger bro would slip one or two words of Cantonese. What you did was shout and yell at us that we are the running dogs of my ex-girlfriend or bastards. To be frank, I just want to have no pressure at home and speak from my heart, is it too much to ask for?
I also don’t understand your toilet habit too. Why don’t you just sit down on that comfortable automatically warm-up seat but squat on it? Are you practising your Kung Fu on my toilet? When you have friends from your country, we also greet them with our warmest welcome and accomodate them. However, why some of your friends shat and pissed anywhere like dogs? Even my little puppy, King Charles, is toilet trained to do the business on a piece of papers. Worse, more and more your friends and relatives come to my home. That little 400 square feet apartment was barely enough for my family and now your turned it to be like a hotel with 17 different surnames of people. Thanks to you, the ICAC of Hong Kong invited me for a coffee for suspicion of corrupting the election.
My dad is too kind and always defended you saying girls are to be spoiled. Bullshit! He spoiled you to be this sassy unreasonable person! Why only you were allowed to take pictures in front of D&G? Why dad gave you the discount card of Mannings store? Why dad change the driver seat to left for you? Why do we need to pay for all the expenses of your babies whose fathers are unknown to us?
Today, I will want a break up. I shall spend 15 minutes to look at these broken pieces and discover that the present broken-hearted me is the most beautiful and this broken relationship is the most gorgeous thing in the world I have seen. The sobbing of your crying is the prettiest sound I have ever heard. As you said the worst thing in this world might not be the worst because the worst might have already be right in front of you and THAT IS YOU, BITCH!
Daughter 1: Do you want the famous milk tea from Tsui Wah Restaurant?
Mother: It’s ok! You two eat and drink more. Later, you need to fight for the primary school places with other Hong Kongers’ kids.
Daughter 2: Mum, how come there is no table in the train? How could I eat my roasted beef lunch box from Yun Kee? The trains in Hong Kong are like from the Flintstones!
Mother: It is prohibited to eat and drink in the trains in Hong Kong.
Daughter 1: I also heard of it. Hong Kong is losing it. People are allowed to eat in LONDON.
Daughter 2: Those Hong Kongers dare not offend us as we are here to spend money and raise their living standards.
Daughter 1: Yes, eating in the subway is a basic human right. This rule is a clear violation of human rights. Hong Kong is so pathetic.
Mother: My dearest daughters, you two are so smart. You will be awarded with the Confucius Peace Prize!
Daughter 2: Mum, I’m full and I need to poo.
Daughter 1: Sis, you are a big girl. You should not let mum worry about you anymore.
Mother: We are honourable guests here in Hong Kong. We should treat here like home. Just squat and poo!
Daughter 2: But… the train is so jerky. Would other people scold us?
Daughter 1: Scold? You never heard that a scholar of our GREAT motherland said Hong Kongers are dogs. Dogs pee and poo on the floor.
Daughter 2: But… dogs pee and poo on a piece of newspapers.
Mother: If no newspapers, people can’t poo? You can’t be so silly to poo in your LV clothes, can you? And, there is no warmly notice of no poo-ing and peeing!
Daughter 1: Exactly! If you don’t poo it here, you are not giving face to Hong Kongers! Others would say they did not treat us well!
Daughter 2: Ok! As Chief Executive of Hong Kong once lied to them, “Make it BIG!”
There is a story circulated on the internet for years about 2 humble good mainland Chinese visited a restaurant in Germany. They did not finish their food and the owner of the restaurant told them that “Money is your. Resources belong to everyone.” They were therefore fined by the police for the leftover. The good humble mainland Chinese photocopied the ticket to remind themselves not to waste food.
The story was said to be fake because 1) there is no such law in Germany; 2) there are different versions of Deutsche Marks and Euro; 3) If it happens now, it can’t be the reaction of the mainland Chinese being that humble. Here is more likely what will happen:
“I fuck your mother’s cunt. If it is not the PRC government taking care of your Euro zone, it’s finished!” (Video Reference 1) said one of the mainland Chinese guy shaking his head and waving his hand while he turned his face away. The good German was so naive to believe that the two mainland Chinese were those good humble smiling Asian and tried to persuade them, “The money is yours. Resources belong to everyone and this is not fair to those who is starving in Africa.” Another mainland Chinese toying the toothpick on his lips jeered, “I am not German, I am mainland Chinese. You, German, think fairness is important, but we, mainland Chinese, don’t give a shit to it.” (Video Reference 2) The restaurant owner was disappointed so he called the Polizie. Polizie came and issued two penalty tickets to each of them. The two mainland Chinese were furious and tore the papers in front of them. Instead of running away from the crime scene, they had the balls to sit back to their seats and yelled, “I have money, I can give more, give me more Currywursts first! You are Dogs and Bastards! FICH DICH!” (Video Reference 3 & 4). After they went back to China, they told everyone on internet how unfriendly the German are.
Video reference:
1. http://youtu.be/g2S8TihKMBQ 要不是中央政府照顧你們香港，完蛋了 “If it is not PRC government taking care of you Hong Kong, it’s finished.”
4. http://youtu.be/a2uINfAKOxc (with English subtitle) 香港人是王八旦及狗 Chinese scholar said “Hong Kongers are dogs and bastards” on TV because a Hong Konger told a mainland Chinese not to eat on the subway.
Mid-age Mainlander with his wife on his back shouting at the ER in Hong Kong, “I have money, I can pay more, look at my wife first!” ——- A man carrying you on his back, running around for you, worrying about you, yelling at others because you don’t get the best treatment. He is not afraid of offending the whole world for you. What can the sick lady ask for more?
______
The man dashed out of the ER and ran on the To Lo Kong Highways under the white moon light shining on their pale faces. The lady said to him, “Xian-yan, put me down, my sickness could not be cured anyway, give me up.” The man swept off his tears and continued running. He was angry because of the bureaucracy and discrimination of the medical system and he thought these Hong Kongers are pathetic: when they are sick, they need to wait; when they are dead, they also need to wait to rest in peace. He screamed to the sky and he passed away because of the anger, exhaustion and frustration. The lady fell on the ground and cried. She demanded an eye for an eye. Her hatred kept her survived.
Since then, whenever she got pregnant she would just run in any hospitals of Hong Kong without booking while water was running down her thighs to force the hospital to admit her to give birth to these children whose parents are both not Hong Kongers. It is the revenge to the medical system in Hong Kong and to get a payback from the cruel Hong Kongers who will pay for her kids forever!
